What idioms should or are really saying

Throughout our lives we are inundated w/ these phrases. Some kinda make sense, some are trying to wax poetic, while others are just jibberish. Also, some try to imply some sort of high ground or wishful thinking. Let's look at what they're really saying or what they should say.
Some taken literally and some taken metaphorically.  There are simply too many to list in one go, so here is part 1.


"You can catch more flies w/ honey than vinegar"

More like you can attract more flies w/ honey than vinegar. You can catch more flies w/ a jar or a container. That aside. You can ATTRACT  a hell of a lot more flies w/ a dead body. So...  there's that. Do w/ that info what you will.



"You can't judge a book by its cover"

A book? Um.. yeah.. yeah you can and it's kind of expected.
If I bought a cookbook w/ Gordon Ramsey on the front
and it turned out to be about WWII, I'd be pissed.
Don't trick people into buying your s**tty, deceptive book.



"Playing devil's advocate"

I want to disagree w/ you just to be a dick, so prepare to be ticked at me.


"Take w/ a grain of salt"

Yeah, go for it, if you like adding extra sodium to your diet for no reason.
We're not horses, a salt lick is not a desirable addition into my life.
AND OR
A nice way of saying whoever said this is full of BS



"Wouldn't be caught dead"

That really isn't how death works, my friend.
You kinda don't have a choice after the Grim Reaper waives his sickle... scythe..?
His piece of antiquated farming equipment at you.  I wouldn't be caught alive w/ <insert ridiculous fashion trend here> is more like it.
And chances are you either have or will partake in said ridiculous fashion trend.


"Steal someone's thunder"

Go for it. I didn't know I currently or ever possessed the ability to hang on to an intangible noun.
Plus where there is thunder, there is lightening, so I would personally like to see this attempted. Even if that means my thunder is stolen.
Go on you little showboat, have yourself a grand ol' time stealing sound traveling through air.


"Absence make the heart grow fonder"

This is a typical typo. It's actually spelled absinthe.



"All roads lead to Rome"

No.... no they don't.


"All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy"

What if Jack's work is playing?!
Riddle me that, Buckaroo.


"Bad news travels fast"

Hey, John just got a promotion and is very happy and content in his life. This travels at the speed of
a paperboy on his daily route struggling along w/ his sack of obsolete print media and his struggling, single gear Huffy(and yes for this point it must be 1956 to refer to a paperboy)
Hey, Carl just got caught exposing himself in a Walmart bathroom! *front page headline news*
This little tidbit of news travels at the speed in which our grubby little fingers can type and hit send.
About 6c-7c, which is literally about the speed of light.


"Bark is worse than it's bite"

Pay no mind to the total puss in the corner who yells a lot.


"Better late than never"

You can replace this statement w/
"I'm a passive aggressive tool, who likes to get defensive when I screw up".

Oh, and sometimes never is preferable.. you show up 2 hours late to
a show of mine. Never is really the better option.



"Better to be the head of a dog than the tail of a lion"

Who the f**k says this?!

More like, "I make archaic and cryptic statements... aren't I hip and cool?!"



"Boys will be boys"

Men suck


"Charity begins at home"

I donate my money to me, because I can promise you an unhappy me would make your world suck.
I'm doing everyone a service by making myself tickled pink.
Guess it was just the way I was raised, always doing for others.


"Crime doesn't pay"


I know right? All those poor drug lords, Ponzi schemers, embezzling CEOs, soft money politicians,
and organized crime leaders are always living in squalor. We really should all chip in a buck or two to help them out.


"Cross a bridge when you come to it"


Yeah, don't think ahead about a big obstacle that awaits you on your current journey or possibly strategize an end game.
Improvise.... winging it always works out!


"The customer is always right"


Customers are people and people are really stupid, so... no... no they are not.
They may get their way, but they are NOT right.


End part I

Wasn't that fun and enlightening? No?  Well..  You probably won't want to see part II then.
Snarky isn't a mood.... it's a way of life.